$ whoami

A slightly nerdier intro.

The README behind the portfolio — what I care about, what makes me tick, and a few jokes you're contractually obliged to groan at.

hemza@hemzav.be: ~/portfolio

$whoami

hemza

$cat ~/about.txt

Cloud engineer in consultancy. Azure-first.

Currently leveling up: AWS · Oracle Cloud.

Security-curious. IaC enjoyer. Tea > coffee, most days.

$sudo make-it-secure --layer all --trust 0

✔ Identity hardened (MFA, Conditional Access, PIM)

✔ Network segmented (hub-spoke, NSGs, private endpoints)

✔ Secrets in Key Vault — never, ever in git

✔ Logging centralized (ship it before you need it)

$exit

# Quick facts

Role: Cloud Engineer @ Consultancy
Primary cloud: Microsoft Azure ☁️
Currently studying: AWS · Oracle Cloud
Soft spot: Security, IAM, Zero Trust
Editor war stance: Whatever ships — but vim keys in everything
Coffee : code ratio: ≈ 1 : 1 (some days 2 : 1)
Favourite shell: bash, with a sprinkle of PowerShell
Uptime SLO: 99.9% caffeinated

# Security mindset

Security isn't a tab in the project plan — it's a thread that runs through every decision. Here's how I think about it on Azure (and beyond).

Defense in depth

I treat every layer like it's the only one — network, identity, data, app. Bonus points for least privilege actually being least.

Zero Trust by default

“Never trust, always verify.” Yes, even that internal VNet you swore was safe.

Identity is the new perimeter

Conditional Access, MFA, PIM, managed identities — the boring stuff that prevents the loud incidents.

Threat-informed

Reading post-mortems, MITRE ATT&CK, and the occasional CVE feed instead of doom-scrolling.

# man abbreviations(7)

A field guide to the acronyms I drop in code reviews, Slack threads, and client meetings — slightly more often than I should.

RTFM

Read The Fine Manual (yes, the polite version)

PEBKAC

Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

ID-10-T

A user error, written like a bug ticket

YAGNI

You Aren't Gonna Need It

KISS

Keep It Simple, Stupid

DRY

Don't Repeat Yourself

WET

Write Everything Twice — the anti-pattern of DRY

WONTFIX

It's not a bug, it's a feature

LGTM

Looks Good To Me — pairs nicely with “SHIP IT”

TL;DR

Too Long; Didn't Read

IaC

Infrastructure as Code — and as documentation

MFA

Multi-Factor Authentication — please, just turn it on

BOFH

Bastard Operator From Hell — folklore, not a job title

404

Brain not found. Try caffeine.

418

I'm a teapot. ☕

# ./jokes.sh --groan-level high

01.There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
02.Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs. 🐛
03.I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
04.A SQL query walks into a bar, sees two tables and asks: “May I JOIN you?”
05.There's no place like 127.0.0.1.
06.Why was the function sad? It didn't get called back.
07.I'd tell you a joke about HTTPS, but you wouldn't get it without the right certificate.
08.The cloud is just someone else's computer — make sure you patch it.
09.Real engineers count from 0. The rest of us learn the hard way.
10.DNS is always the problem. If it's not DNS, it's certificates. If it's not certs, it's still DNS.
11.“It works on my machine.” → ship the machine.
12.Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.

$ echo "Thanks for scrolling. May your deploys be green and your alerts be quiet."